feel like im losin it

well i have knows we are moving for quite some time but its only 2 week away now. we are leaving everything our daughter and i know, we are going somewhere we dont really know anyone. my hubbys fam is about a hr and a half away but other then that we have nothing.when my huby was offered this job i jumped on the opportunity to have him home for 3 full years! i have never spent more then 6 uninterrupted months with him. out of 3 years we have only spent about 13 or 14 months together. so having him home for 3 years is amazing to me. remmi will finally get to know her daddy and i will get to have the love of my life next to me every night and every morning. i am just getting so stressed and scared and not wanting to leave my family.my little sisters are my best friends my parents helped raise remmi well sam was deployed.i just don't know what i am going to do with out all of them.i am going to leave all my friends and attempt to make new ones which isn't easy for me.shoot i have never lived more then 30 min of were i grew up scene i was 11 how will i know how 2 get to Ross to shop haha.. guess that's what GSPs r for right . haha.i mean sam and i will finally start trying for a second baby when we get all settled in to our NEW 3 bed room 2 1/2 bath house! hah* I'm a lil exited about that * but what will i do with out my mom when i am so sick i cant get out of bed, and i am so emotional and down she would usually take me 2 get new maternity cloths or stuff for the baby but i wont have that . i wont have my friends to go shopping with me. i dunno i am really getting scared and nervous. but i guess this will be a good new start, with sam finally being home *some what for good* and trying 2 have another baby, we can all grow and learn and experience this new place together. i just need to try 2 stay positive...

scared

well for the past year maybe a lil more sense remmi was like 6 weeks old i have been getting these really bad head akes, then more things started happening like i was getting dizzy then i was nauseous all the time then i was always lightheaded and tired all the time and my skin started getting super sensitive like the slightest thing hurt really bad well i keep going 2 the doc and its always something new they always do a preggers test even when hubby was deployed so i knew it wasn't that its been low blood sugar extreme exhaustion vertigo its always something new and none of the meds the give me help. well i am going back 2 the doc yet again. i feel like im there once a week haha and going 2 try 2 find out what it is again. its just scary when my mom was like 28 or something she had a claught in her brain that caused her 2 b paralyzed on one side of her face they thought it was a stroke but it wasn't. and i know nothing about my bio dads side and my gma had brain cancer granted they think it spread from the lung and breast cancer.but its all juts really scaring me, like i am 20 years old and i have had so many medical problems already what is going 2 happen when i am 70. i just feel like its one thing after another and my body is falling apart. i just hate always being scared and being in pain and sick 24 7 its getting so old and exhausting there are days when i cant play with my daughter cuz i am so sick or in so much pain . i hate that . i just want 2 know what is wrong with me and get it fixed...

overwhelmed

wow well i am just so overwhelmed with like fight now .never did i think any of this would b this hard. and its so much all at once. i thought the transition of him coming home would b easy its so hard, trying 2 get used 2 each other and figuring out how 2 shair responsibility how 2 balance money and all this. i have been head of the house for so long now and i have raised remmi my way her whole life and its hard having all this change i have had my way of everything and its all turned upside down now.i love having him home don't get me wrong but its just so hard sometimes. and trying 2 get him used 2 being a dad and not to a new borne to a 1 1/2 year old. trying 2 get 2 re know him and relearn him its all so hard, i feel like he feels that he doest fit in are lives anymore and he is so separated from us so distant its all so hard. i don't know and on top of it all we find out we aer f****d on my truck and in the long run will b better off trading it in or selling it but will b so upside down and all pulse its just one thing after another braking on the damb thing and i really do need a new more power full truck for MO and i need something bigger cuz we will end up having more kids sooner then later and all. and i am so stressed with this move, like i thought i wanted it and i thought it would b easy but i am dreading it . i dont want 2 leave my fam and friends and i don't wanna leave the beach and all. and i dont even know that we will have a house cuz we are 96 on the waiting list and we need a house in 3 months and its just all really stressing me out and on top of it all remmi screams probably 90% of the day and is always crying and screaming and its all just really getting 2 me. i have way 2 much going on and i feel like i have no help or compassion from anyone and i hate it...

gah

ahhh well its been a wile since i blogged. not much going on just still trying 2 get used 2 the transition of having samuel home. things are good but hard at times trying 2 find that balance of the house and all that . trying 2 give him space 2 get used 2 it all and all when all we want 2 do is be with him. its just hard the transition started easier then i thoughts but is starting 2 get hard. its just all about figuring out the balance of were everyone belongs.. gahhh

STAAR

i just wanted 2 let every one know about a non profit organization i stared when i was 16 after my best Friend passed away.her mom and some friends and i keep this going and are making a difference. its called STAAR students taking action against recklessness.ill give you a little background . my best friend Brittany was killed in a car accident when she was 15 just about to turn 16. she didn't have her license or permit she had 1 behind the wheel driving lesson.. she and a nother friend took her moms car at 12 am on April 24 2005 and ended up in 2 different cars. after some joy ridding britt was ready to go home she was going way 2 fats and went to answer her phone well going around a curve and the ground was wet she lost control and hit a light post and was thrown from her car. and killed on impact. her mom found her after the other girl called for help. she was only about 8 miles from her house, she was killed at 230 am on April 24, on April 25 STAAR was borne. i knew i needed to do something to keep everyone else from going threw this pain. i thought of what to call it and what we would b about we have been working hard ever sense. we go to schools, youth groups,churches, were ever kids are we go to help. we are completely nonprofit we do take denotations to help with the phone line and the merchandise we sell. STAAR teaches about all reckless things bullying, drinking and driving, driving recklessly, un protected sex. and so anymore things we just need help from the community to get us out there.

are mission statement

The Mission of the S.T.A.A.R. program is to raise awareness about the consequences children and teens may encounter when making decisions to engage in reckless behavior. We intend to help them to build self-respect, develop personal accountability, and acquire responsible attitudes toward the choices they make.Through media attention, guest speakers, Internet awareness, school-wide assemblies, and school clubs, we intend to offer resources for youth, parents, and adult advisors. The S.T.A.A.R. program will provide them with tools to identify reckless behavior and avoid dangerous situations, while providing skills to implement responsible decision-making.

are web site is STAARprogram.org

another site is brittanys site brittanycurcio.net

Be a voice Make a difference

my babys 15 months but sooo smart

well i thought sense sam is home now it would b a good time 2 update you all in the new things lil miss remmi is doing now. she is defiantly much older then her age haha. although she is still the size of about a 10 month old haha she is are little shrimp! she is just so tinny some stuff she wears is still 3 to 6 month! haha but she sure acts like a 4 year old! she is so advanced it is trippin us all out. as you all know she is running ever were and talking up a storm she says about 40 words now and probably 10 or 15 sentences. she is feeding her self with silver wear and helping dress herself she helps buckle herself in the car seat, she is very good about saying her please and thank yous .she has learned were her nose, eye, mouth, head and toes are and loves to show you were yours are,she loves playing pretend and feeding her baby dolls. even her favorite toy that she calls baby but it reality its a plastic lizard haha, she loves animals and can tell you what a dog is and what it says what a cat is and what it says what a monkey and a bummer are she knows are pet rats names and all grandmas dog names.she is a natural borne gymnast like mommy and a amazing pitcher like daddy. haha she will make anything into a balance beam and will play catch all day. she is just so amazing and blows up away ever day. she is very much in love with her daddy and went right to him when he got home no problems there. she says ewww ever time mommy and daddy kiss haha its so cute. she is just so mature for her age but that's something that comes along with the military and having to grow up a little faster then most. but she is just the most amazing little thing ever.she is about 18 lb and like 27 or 28 inches. haha she loves baby's and playing and will eat almost anything you give her ahaha but she could live off gold fish if i let her.she is obsessed with her "b" her blanky which she named b ever though she can say blanky, her asthma and allergy's are getting better and she will most likely b in glasses in the next few months. we have 2 take her back in in a few weeks and if her eyes arnt better we get glasses. her hearing is so much beter then it used to be. she loves being scared and scaring other people.she has her own sence of style and will pick things for her self and other people at teh store and tell you they are cute. ahah she always has to have a bow in her hair and if i dont put one in she will go get it and tell me bow! hahah well i think thats about the jist of the monkey haha.

he is finally home!!!!

well my hubby got home last week! i am so happy the transition went super well remmi took right 2 him and wont leave him alone haha. we are just happy and enjoying are time 2gether its his first day back 2 work so i have 2 lil 2 get on! thank you 2everyone who has helped me threw this!!

he is home!

well he got home om Tuesday i have been a little busy running around getting things ready and now juts enjoying having him home. i was so sacred remmi wouldn't go 2 him but it was all of 5 sec and she was jumping in his arms . she wont let him leave her side now. she loves her daddy very much. i am just so grateful and happy to have him back with us . i will post some pics from the home coming later, just had a few min and thought i would update

its finaly here!!!

ahhhhh om he will b home 2day! wow i never thought this day would come . i am so exited i am very ancy and feel like im crawling out of my skin! ahh im such a nerd i keep having 2 take my inhaler ahaha. ahhhhhh

so exited i am in tears!

he is on his way home just a few days now! when i found out he was headed home even though i knew when it was gunna happen i juts started crying i was so overwhelmed with excitement that its Finlay here i couldn't get 2 spend some time with him and for remmi 2 get 2 know her daddy! ahhh i feel very relieved he is coming home. i always knew he would but you cant help but fear he wont. but he is now going 2 b home! just so exited and relieved! i can stop stressin about that and now just stress that everything is perfect! hhahaha

the last few days

ahh well we are in the last few days of this dam deployment! i am so exited i am deff ready 2 have my hubby home! i got my nails done 2day and im workin on the tan. one of the girlfriends and a wife are coming over in a few 2do facials and get all purdy for are men.geezzz i wish time would speed up its going way 2 slow! haha

exited but sad and scared

well my hubby will b home in less then a week and i am so exited! i just cant wait 2 b in his arms and b able 2 kiss him and look in his eyes. everything is ready for him 2 b home all the inside decorations are hung up and the outfits are picked everything is clean and ready now its just waiting . my days seem so long and time feels like its standing still. i hate it

i am sad cuz once he gets home we are being re stationed we are going 2 MO . my whole family is in CA all my friends are here everything i know is here basically. i always talk about how much i cant wait 2 get out of CA and how much i hate it but for some reason i am scared and sad 2 leave. we will b about a hr away from sams fam which is good for him and remmi will get 2 know her other side of the fam and he will b home for 3 years. but there is so much i am scared about. i am sacred i wont have any one there i mean i know some people but i dunno its just different. sams mom and i have a interesting background. she hates me and thinks i am a slut who tricked her son in2 marrying me. she has never considered me part of the fam . she says she wants 2 work on things but i dont know. she will never b my mom. like my mom and i have a interesting relationship 2 . we fight alot and cant stand her sometimes. but i dont wanna leave my mom. i want my mom there when i get sick or when something happens with remmi or when i get pregnant again. and i dont wana leave my dad and my sisters. like my youngest sister is my best friend and i cant imagine going months without seeing her i mean i see her basically every day. i just am so scared . what if i hate it you know and i know how sam was when he was younger he was a really big partyer and had so many girls and all thoes girls will b right there. there are alot of his guy friends i dont want him around cuz they are ass wholes and all. and i know they will want 2 come around and all . and i cant really tell him he cant see his friends. but i dont know i just have so much weighing on me. like i schould just b exited but i am having alot of trouble with it cuz i am sad and scared about leaving CA.i mean i will go any were if it means i will have sam home . i dont care were it is will fallow him . but i still cant help being scared...

almost done

well this deployment is coming 2 a end and i count b happier. i will b back in his arms in less then 10 days! ahh i am so exited this has been the most stressful thing i have even been thew. we went thew a deployment when we were dating so i thought it would b easy i had done this before. i didnt think it would be this hard i didnt think i would miss him or need him this much. i am just more then happy 2 have him home.

so exited

ahhhh so we found out when they are coming home. i know how long tell i can kiss my hubby and hold him and just stop stressing and have my life back!! and its a little sooner then we had thought!!! i am sooo exited i cant wait tell he is here! omg i have so much 2 do though! haha i have a 2 page *note book paper!* to do list haha . its mostly little things and i broke down each room of what to do so i didn't forget anything but ya . hahah i am juts sooooooo exited i cant even begin 2 explain!!!

sooooo frustrating

ahhhhh so we know he will b home within the next 2 weeks but we still don't have a official date!! i hate this! i just want 2 know what day i get 2 kiss my hubby and have my life back! i am tired of the rumors of what day he will b home! i just want 2 know a date! from what i am hearing from a few people is its 5 days sooner then the tentative date they gave us which is soooooo soon and i just want 2 know i have alot 2 get done n4 he gets home and alot of it is last min stuff ahhh just soooo frustrating i check the dicta phone like 5 billion times a day haha literally like every 30 min to a hr i just want him home i miss him soooo much he basically hasnt been home in over a year and i haven't seen him cuz he has been in iraq for 7 months and i want him back!!! ahahaha i just miss him sooo dam much!

so much 2 do so little time!

omg i just realized how soon he will b home. sometime within the next 2 weeks my hubby will b home and i still have so much 2 do . i have been saying o i have a wile i will get it done . well i dont have a wile i need 2 do a major house cleaning and do a bunch of laundry and get his dress uniforms ready with his new rank and get all the posters up and all. and ahhhh i dont have alot of time. i am exited he will b home so soon but i have 2 much 2 do hahaha. i need 2 start working on it!!!!

another holiday with out him

well we are getting ready to spend yet another holiday with out sam.it sucks its one of the hardest parts of the whole deployment thing . he has missed almost every first Holiday of remmis. he missed 1st Halloween he missed thanksgiving Christmas new years her birthday, her second valentines day and now her second Easter. its just so hard we all get to gather as a family and everyone is saying how happy they are to have the family together and all but are family is missing a big part we are missing are husband/dad. its just so hard the days when we are supposed to have him with us he isn't and its just so hard . the times we are supposed to Cherish are family we don't have are whole family. i just hate it hate that he is missing so much. i hate not having my hubby home with me and that remmi goes threw so many holidays and normal days with out her daddy . it just really gets to me...

things are almost ready for him 2 b home!

well we only have 2 full weeks we aer in the 3 weekish range but only 2 full weeks! thats exiting 2 me. i did are bi grocery shopping 2 day cuz we needed food and i didnt wanna go right b4 he got home cuz i knew i would b e stressing and forget everything haha i have a few things to get the day b4 he gets home for his first dinner home. but ya. i did grocery shopping for him 2day!!! thats a exiting thing2 me hahah.theres really not much 2 do be for he gets home now. just some laundry change out the sheets so he has fresh clean ones and do a big clean on the house. and we are ready for the hubby. we have the signs and banners for the house all the flags for the yard and some other decorations. we have are shirts made and all is ready 2 have him home. i think i will put off on the big clean for another week or so just so its closer 2 him coming home then i will straighten up the day that is due home! ahh i have waited so long 2 have my hubby back with me and its getting so close i am so anxious and exited and stressed and nervous and ahhhh i am just very ready 2 have him home!

tonight

tonight i will close my eyes

fall asleep and float away

i will float across the mountains, the desert, the ocean

i will float tell i meet him half way

for the first time in in a wile i will feel content, whole,100%happy

tonight i will meet him in my dreams

he will hold me in his arms

we will dance in the clouds

we will laugh,smile,kiss

if only for a few moments i will be with the love of my life again

tonight i will wake up alone

open my eyes to tell him,and realize he is still in Iraq

i will pray for his safe return

i will blow my kisses to the moon in hopes he feels it on his cheek

one more night i will cry my self back to sleep,

tonight i will hope to meet him in my dreams

ahh drained

well i am so drained and warn out and stressed ugh just running after a 14 month old alone and trying 2 get the house ready for the hubby 2 come home and get all the signs done and getting myself ready ahh just so much going on. i am just getting so exited and anxious for the hubby 2 b home. remmi is a little monster haha she is every were and in to everything. today when i was making dinner she grabbed the box of cereal and dumped it on the floor and then came 2 me and said bite mommy. i couldn't help but laugh but it was a bad thing for her 2 do but so cute and funny cuz she was so proud of herself. haha. o and when she doesn't want you 2 hold her hand or something she will bite you well she has started warning you now. she will put your hand close 2 her mouth and say bite... and then bite you . ya trying really hard to stop that one but she just keeps doing it. ahh i dont know what to do . to night she was really upset and just kept going over to the comp asking for daddy and trying to open it so we watched videos of daddy and she just kept telling him she loved him and giving him kisses. which kills me. but he will b home so soon . we are under 3 weeks now! i am so exited! but ya that's what is new with us.

missin him alot

well to day i am really missing my hubby. i have just never felt so empty of incomplete i just hate this so much sometimes. i hate going 2 sleep with out him waking up with out him, having a dream and rolling over 2 tell him and he isn't there. i just cant Wait 2 have him home again and b in his arms. i love him so much that it hurts and i just wish i could fast forward threw the next 3 weeks. ugh i miss him

kinda sad right now

well my best friend got home a few hrs ago and i was super exited 2 see him but i couldn't help but cry cuz my hubby wasn't coming home 2day.my hubby will end up benign Iraq 2 months longer then the guys who came home 2 day, i just miss him so much . i hate this so bad but on a good note well kinda good note. we found out 2 day we have new orders we thought we would b moving about 15 min from my parents but the new orders are in MO my fam is in CA. but he wont deploy for 3 years! but its hush hush ... my fam doesnt know just yet . we just found out and i wanna make sure they dont change and i wanna tell them in peron and i will move were ever i have 2 if he doesnt have 2 deploy.. but ya that's what is new

200 days

well he has been gone 200 days today. it sucks haha . i hate that i havent kissed my hubby of looked in his eyes for 200 days. he will b home in 20 something days though!! thats nothing compared to what he has been gone!

My best friend gets home 2day!!!i am soooo exited!!!!

almost ready!

well i got alot accomplished 2day. we had already made are banner for the garage and 2 signs 2 take with us 2 the homecoming and i had already gotten a few things for the house.but 2 day i finished are shirts and made a few more signs for around the house. and My best friend will b home 2morrow so we made some signs for him! and i got a few more things for around the house!i am just so dam exited 2 have my hubby home!

during the deployment i have lost almost 20 lb have cut my hair gotten some new cloths and became alot more of a adult haha. i got some cute lingerie and all that good stuff. all i have 2 do now is my nails get my hair touched up i am whitening my teeth as we speak haha every night . i have a few mor lb 2 lose and i will b good the house is almost ready for my hubby just one more good once over and one more grocery shopping! ahh im very exited!

its just not fair

well i knew this was coming and all that and i know its the military but i am just getting so upset . well sam was at training for about 6 months before iraq, he had almost 2 months more training then anyone else cuz he would go to 2 weeks extra specialty things here and there. well he left for iraq in sep with a small group of guys to get things set up. the rest of his unit left in oct . and i was already upset he left before everyone, but i thought he would be coming home first so i was ok with it . well are 3rd group of guys will b home in the next few days. these are the guys who left in oct some came home 3 weeks ago some 2 weeks ago and now some in the next few days. my hubby who left a month before the others will not be home for 3 almost 4 more weeks. i am just so fucking jealous and sad and angry and ahh. ya . my 15 month old daughter asks me everyday were daddy and says daddy go bye bye, she thinks he lives in the comp. she trys to open my laptop she crys for her daddy and the only way she will calm down half the time is watching videos and looking at pics of him. my hubby is a exemplary marine ha has alot of very high qualifications and is moving up very fast he has picked up a rank that usually takes 8 years he did it in 3. he is very good at his job and goes above and beond he is put in higher positions then anyone his rank. but still i dont understand how they justify keeping a dad and a husband in iraq 2 months longer then anyone when most of the guys coming home dont have kids the dont have wifes they dont even have girlfriends. how is that fair or ok. i dont know i am just so upset and jealous and mad and everything . ugh . i dunno .i just miss him so much i guess...

a cluster f**k of emotions haha

so 2day was interesting 2 say the least. i woke up so exited because my hubby will b home this month. i was just ecstatic . and i got a email from him! so that made it even better! well as the day went on i was getting more and more stressed . i guess all the end of deployment emotions really started hitting me 2day. i am stressed and sad and happy and scared and anxious and ahh ya basically a cluster fuck of emotions. haha more then i can handle . plus remmi has been screaming for like 3 days straight and i am soooo stressed and pushed 2my limits with everything well i was supposed 2 get my 4th tat but the tat place was closed and i couldn't go. so i went up 2 my moms and we were just picking at each other and ended up having a big fight. wont get in2 that though. i come home and am just so pushed 2 my limits i wanna start crying ugh. well my daughter is in bed and i could really use a drink but i have no alcohol in the house! hahah. but ya i am just blah! lol. my day was just ya . ugh. i wish i could fall asleep for the next few weeks. i am so ready 2 b in his arms and kiss him and just b able 2 look in his eyes and tell him i love him.thank God he will b home this month!!!!

yay!!!!!!!!

yay!!! he will b home this month! hahah sooo exited sense its April i can now say i will b kissing my hubby this month!!!wow such an amazing feeling!!!

ahhhhhhhh

so i am completely over whelmed with everything right now the end of deployment nerves are really gettin 2 me and remmi has discovered temper tantrums she has not stoped screaming for 3 days and i am just so drained in every way possible and completely existed emotionally and physical . ahh i just feel like i am going 2 have a brake down! i am just so pushed 2 my limits and ahhhhh i think i just need a really good cry!

another poem i wrote

Sitting at the computer
Waiting by the phone
Your heart skipping and racing with every ring
Praying to hear his voice of the other end
Waiting so anxiously everyday
Your heart drops with ever nock at door
Praying they havent come to tell you the bad news
Watching the seasons change
Watching your children grow
Praying he comes home to watch it all with you
Every few months having to say "see you later"
Never daring to say "good bye"
Praying this will the the last time he has to leave
Laying alone every night
Falling asleep to the sound of silence
Praying to hear his snoring once again
Listening the the radio watching tv
Yet never brave enough to put on the news
Praying he is not the newest story on tonight
Counting down the months ,weeks ,days
Frantically getting things prepared
Praying he doesn't get extended
Waiting for hours
So anxious and exited
Praying his baby remembers who he is
All so stress full,scary and painfull
Yet it is all erased with that first kiss
Praying it lasts a lifetime .

a poem i wrote

its like running a marathon the ends so close yet so far when you cant breath
months of sitting by the phone
waiting by the comp, praying for happiness again
month of sleepless nights
tears on the pillow, tossing and turning
so much pain so much sadness so much hurt
you feel like your running the longest marathon
each month a mile
more tired with each passing day
the you see the finish line
is so close nearly in arms reach
but seems so far away because you cant breath
you see your marine standing at the finish line
yet it feel like it will never come.
you Finlay cross that line, brake thew the yellow tape
your finaly in his arms again.
never wanting to run a deployment marathon again.

so something happend on base...

so we ya live on base and apparently something has spilled r something right inside the gate at the exit of housing and no one can get in housing and a lil bit ago you could only go out one way so i dont know if i can even get out at this point. the closed that ate 2 get on base and the hellos are flying around not just doing drills but like flying over housing.i have no idea waht happened but my friend did see some type of waist removal truck with sirens on. who know what it could b idont think its anything super serious cuz they haven't evacuated us yet haha . hopefully i will find out whats going on.. but ya i hate when stuf like this happens.

getting ready for my hubby 2 b home

well we are starting 2 get things ready 2 have him home. we made are banner for the garage last weekend and we made are signs to take with us. i want to make some more little signs and banners for the house, we are making are tshirts this week the ones that say welcome home and all that good stuff. i went to the mall yesterday and spent to much money on stuff for the home coming lol. i have little things to do each week tell her gets home. actually every day tell he gets home. whether it be make a poster with all the pics of remmi sense he has been gone so he seed how she grew or cleaning the car cleaning the house grocery shopping. stuff like that . i still have so much to do. and 4 weeks seems like a long time but when you want everything to be perfect for the homecoming its alot. i just want everything to be so perfect for him and i don't have that much longer tell he is home! which is exiting but scary and nervracking and all that stuff. haha. i get scared and nervous cuz remmi and i have are way of doing things we have are routines and all that stuff . the ways i punish her and the way we live are Dayle life's we have never really had sam around when it was the 2 of us. i am scared that he will come home and it will be hard to make him fit in are life it will b hard to change things to make a compromise on what we both want . i am scared he will feel like he doenst fit in are lifes. its just so much to think about . alot of stuff is really weighing on me right now as i get ready for him 2 be home. we have basically been apart for a year in a half. i have grown up so incredible much i have changed alot . what if he doenst love the person i have growing into of the person i have changed into . he has never really been around me as a mom what if he doenst love me anymore the way i am. i know i love him more then anything and i want to spend the rest of my life with him and if this deployment has shown me anything its how much i really truly need him and miss him and love him. but what if its shown him something else . what if it has shown him he doesnt want to b with me. i dunno its just so much to think about. i thought i would just be so exited to have him coming home but i am scared . i have been threw the homecoming once be for i had fears and all that . but i never thought i would have the same fears this time. i just pray he comes home and things go back to normal.

she has decided to b a vegetarian lol

well remmi will not eat meat anymore she is 15 months but verry strong willed and smart. ahah she started picking the meat out of everything about a month ago she wont eat it at all now. i try 2 trick her and put it in things and she just picks it out and says ewwww when she gets any in her mouth. i have tried everything and she just spits it out and says ewww . i dont know what 2 do haha. i was a vegetarian for 11 years tell i got preggers and wanted my kids 2 be 2 but i was always sick and tired and everything i have been so much healthier sense i started eating meat and her daddy is a country boy and he lives on meat haha. i don't know what i am gunna do . i guess i just have a little vegetarian lol

just realized!!!

omg so i just realized my best friend and basically my big brother will b home from Iraq this week!!!!! i am so exited i haven't seen him sense oct and i am just very exited 2 have my best friend home. i still have 2 wait 4 weeks for my hubby but having my bestie home is awesome 2 me!!!!!!

hate nights like last night

*sigh* well last night was one of those nights i was so wide awake and knew i needed to go to bed. i never go to bed tell at least 10 because they don't make notifications if something God for bid happened to my hubby after 10 pm. so i cant even bring myself to go try to sleep tell i know they wont be coming by to night. sleeping is hard enough sense Samuel is not home. i hate laying in our bed alone. having a bad dream and roiling over to get comfort from him and having him not be there. roiling over to cuddle with him and realizing he isn't there. its always hard. but last night was particularly bad. i was so wide awake and by 11 i knew i needed to try 2 get some sleep cuz the baby would b up by8. so i go to lay down and all i can do is cry. i just missed him so much . and wanted more then anything to fall asleep to his heart beat and his snoring haha . i never thought i would miss his snoring but i do. and it was weird i was awake and thought i hadn't fallen asleep but i woke up at 2 wide awake thinking i had never fallen sleep in the first place but i had. and be for i knew it again it was 5 am. wide awake again thinking i still had not fallen asleep. it was the weirdest thing each time i woke up i would role over to grab his arm to put around me but he wasn't there. the longer i go with out him you would think it would get easier but it gets harder . we are so close to having him home. less the 30 days now but it so hard like the closer it gets the more i miss him . i can see the light at the end but its soooo far away. i duno but ya that's what my night was like

about me

well i am a 20 year old stay at home mom and a US Marines wife. i have been with my hubby sense i was 17 and we have been married 2 years . we found out we were having are daughter 3 weeks after we got married. we couldn't have been happier. she is 15 months now. she is my whole world. she is absolutely amazing. my hubby and i have been together for 28 months and have spent 10 of those physically together. haha so the majority of are relationship we have been separated either to iraq or training. he is currently deployed doing his second tour of duty he will be home in around 4 weeks! i couldn't be happier . my life is so hectic and crazy. i have basically only ever been a single mom because my hubby has only seen his daughter 6 weeks of her whole life. she hasn't seen her daddy sense she was 5 1/2 months old. he lift this little baby and is coming home to a kid. i am so scared that things with them will be hard. that it will be hard for them 2 bond and have a normal relationship, but on the same hand i don't they play pick a boo on the web cam and she asks me were her daddy is and knows his voice and his face . she is always kissing his pic and the comp when he is on. my life is not most peoples normal by any means but its my normal. i am used to saying see you later never good bye every few months. i am used 2 going threw my days hoping 2 get a letter or a phone call. i am used to having to be mommy and daddy. praying 50 billion times a day that my hubby will come home is just part of my day.

so many people ask my why i do it . tell me i schouldnt have to go threw what i go threw. but i am so proud to . my hubby is a American hero. he fights so yours don't have to. he is so much stronger then any man i know. he is beautiful in so many ways and i would never change anything . yes it sucks and i cry alot and i stop breathing and my heart races when i hear 2 car doors shut outside of the door bell ring but i am proud because my hubby is a Marine. he is a true hero.

if anyone has questions about what i go threw ever day or anything fill free to ask i will be blonging alot more as my days start to seem so long waiting for my love 2 return