ahhhhhhhh

so i am completely over whelmed with everything right now the end of deployment nerves are really gettin 2 me and remmi has discovered temper tantrums she has not stoped screaming for 3 days and i am just so drained in every way possible and completely existed emotionally and physical . ahh i just feel like i am going 2 have a brake down! i am just so pushed 2 my limits and ahhhhh i think i just need a really good cry!

another poem i wrote

Sitting at the computer
Waiting by the phone
Your heart skipping and racing with every ring
Praying to hear his voice of the other end
Waiting so anxiously everyday
Your heart drops with ever nock at door
Praying they havent come to tell you the bad news
Watching the seasons change
Watching your children grow
Praying he comes home to watch it all with you
Every few months having to say "see you later"
Never daring to say "good bye"
Praying this will the the last time he has to leave
Laying alone every night
Falling asleep to the sound of silence
Praying to hear his snoring once again
Listening the the radio watching tv
Yet never brave enough to put on the news
Praying he is not the newest story on tonight
Counting down the months ,weeks ,days
Frantically getting things prepared
Praying he doesn't get extended
Waiting for hours
So anxious and exited
Praying his baby remembers who he is
All so stress full,scary and painfull
Yet it is all erased with that first kiss
Praying it lasts a lifetime .

a poem i wrote

its like running a marathon the ends so close yet so far when you cant breath
months of sitting by the phone
waiting by the comp, praying for happiness again
month of sleepless nights
tears on the pillow, tossing and turning
so much pain so much sadness so much hurt
you feel like your running the longest marathon
each month a mile
more tired with each passing day
the you see the finish line
is so close nearly in arms reach
but seems so far away because you cant breath
you see your marine standing at the finish line
yet it feel like it will never come.
you Finlay cross that line, brake thew the yellow tape
your finaly in his arms again.
never wanting to run a deployment marathon again.

so something happend on base...

so we ya live on base and apparently something has spilled r something right inside the gate at the exit of housing and no one can get in housing and a lil bit ago you could only go out one way so i dont know if i can even get out at this point. the closed that ate 2 get on base and the hellos are flying around not just doing drills but like flying over housing.i have no idea waht happened but my friend did see some type of waist removal truck with sirens on. who know what it could b idont think its anything super serious cuz they haven't evacuated us yet haha . hopefully i will find out whats going on.. but ya i hate when stuf like this happens.

getting ready for my hubby 2 b home

well we are starting 2 get things ready 2 have him home. we made are banner for the garage last weekend and we made are signs to take with us. i want to make some more little signs and banners for the house, we are making are tshirts this week the ones that say welcome home and all that good stuff. i went to the mall yesterday and spent to much money on stuff for the home coming lol. i have little things to do each week tell her gets home. actually every day tell he gets home. whether it be make a poster with all the pics of remmi sense he has been gone so he seed how she grew or cleaning the car cleaning the house grocery shopping. stuff like that . i still have so much to do. and 4 weeks seems like a long time but when you want everything to be perfect for the homecoming its alot. i just want everything to be so perfect for him and i don't have that much longer tell he is home! which is exiting but scary and nervracking and all that stuff. haha. i get scared and nervous cuz remmi and i have are way of doing things we have are routines and all that stuff . the ways i punish her and the way we live are Dayle life's we have never really had sam around when it was the 2 of us. i am scared that he will come home and it will be hard to make him fit in are life it will b hard to change things to make a compromise on what we both want . i am scared he will feel like he doenst fit in are lifes. its just so much to think about . alot of stuff is really weighing on me right now as i get ready for him 2 be home. we have basically been apart for a year in a half. i have grown up so incredible much i have changed alot . what if he doenst love the person i have growing into of the person i have changed into . he has never really been around me as a mom what if he doenst love me anymore the way i am. i know i love him more then anything and i want to spend the rest of my life with him and if this deployment has shown me anything its how much i really truly need him and miss him and love him. but what if its shown him something else . what if it has shown him he doesnt want to b with me. i dunno its just so much to think about. i thought i would just be so exited to have him coming home but i am scared . i have been threw the homecoming once be for i had fears and all that . but i never thought i would have the same fears this time. i just pray he comes home and things go back to normal.

she has decided to b a vegetarian lol

well remmi will not eat meat anymore she is 15 months but verry strong willed and smart. ahah she started picking the meat out of everything about a month ago she wont eat it at all now. i try 2 trick her and put it in things and she just picks it out and says ewwww when she gets any in her mouth. i have tried everything and she just spits it out and says ewww . i dont know what 2 do haha. i was a vegetarian for 11 years tell i got preggers and wanted my kids 2 be 2 but i was always sick and tired and everything i have been so much healthier sense i started eating meat and her daddy is a country boy and he lives on meat haha. i don't know what i am gunna do . i guess i just have a little vegetarian lol

just realized!!!

omg so i just realized my best friend and basically my big brother will b home from Iraq this week!!!!! i am so exited i haven't seen him sense oct and i am just very exited 2 have my best friend home. i still have 2 wait 4 weeks for my hubby but having my bestie home is awesome 2 me!!!!!!

hate nights like last night

*sigh* well last night was one of those nights i was so wide awake and knew i needed to go to bed. i never go to bed tell at least 10 because they don't make notifications if something God for bid happened to my hubby after 10 pm. so i cant even bring myself to go try to sleep tell i know they wont be coming by to night. sleeping is hard enough sense Samuel is not home. i hate laying in our bed alone. having a bad dream and roiling over to get comfort from him and having him not be there. roiling over to cuddle with him and realizing he isn't there. its always hard. but last night was particularly bad. i was so wide awake and by 11 i knew i needed to try 2 get some sleep cuz the baby would b up by8. so i go to lay down and all i can do is cry. i just missed him so much . and wanted more then anything to fall asleep to his heart beat and his snoring haha . i never thought i would miss his snoring but i do. and it was weird i was awake and thought i hadn't fallen asleep but i woke up at 2 wide awake thinking i had never fallen sleep in the first place but i had. and be for i knew it again it was 5 am. wide awake again thinking i still had not fallen asleep. it was the weirdest thing each time i woke up i would role over to grab his arm to put around me but he wasn't there. the longer i go with out him you would think it would get easier but it gets harder . we are so close to having him home. less the 30 days now but it so hard like the closer it gets the more i miss him . i can see the light at the end but its soooo far away. i duno but ya that's what my night was like

about me

well i am a 20 year old stay at home mom and a US Marines wife. i have been with my hubby sense i was 17 and we have been married 2 years . we found out we were having are daughter 3 weeks after we got married. we couldn't have been happier. she is 15 months now. she is my whole world. she is absolutely amazing. my hubby and i have been together for 28 months and have spent 10 of those physically together. haha so the majority of are relationship we have been separated either to iraq or training. he is currently deployed doing his second tour of duty he will be home in around 4 weeks! i couldn't be happier . my life is so hectic and crazy. i have basically only ever been a single mom because my hubby has only seen his daughter 6 weeks of her whole life. she hasn't seen her daddy sense she was 5 1/2 months old. he lift this little baby and is coming home to a kid. i am so scared that things with them will be hard. that it will be hard for them 2 bond and have a normal relationship, but on the same hand i don't they play pick a boo on the web cam and she asks me were her daddy is and knows his voice and his face . she is always kissing his pic and the comp when he is on. my life is not most peoples normal by any means but its my normal. i am used to saying see you later never good bye every few months. i am used 2 going threw my days hoping 2 get a letter or a phone call. i am used to having to be mommy and daddy. praying 50 billion times a day that my hubby will come home is just part of my day.

so many people ask my why i do it . tell me i schouldnt have to go threw what i go threw. but i am so proud to . my hubby is a American hero. he fights so yours don't have to. he is so much stronger then any man i know. he is beautiful in so many ways and i would never change anything . yes it sucks and i cry alot and i stop breathing and my heart races when i hear 2 car doors shut outside of the door bell ring but i am proud because my hubby is a Marine. he is a true hero.

if anyone has questions about what i go threw ever day or anything fill free to ask i will be blonging alot more as my days start to seem so long waiting for my love 2 return