havent posted in a wile but need 2 vent

i dunno i just need 2 vent and get everything im feeling out.i dunno if im just in a funk or im getting ppd * just had a baby 6 weeks ago* or if its just baby blues or what but somethings off.
i just feel so down and out of it . like we have alot going on though. first i just had a baby and im exhausted my hubby works 7 days a week so i dont make him get up with the baby we also have a epileptic 2 year old who im always worrying about and now we think the baby is epileptic to she has been having 2 of the 3 types of seizures her big sister has. so i worry about both of them so much. My hubby is a Marine and we got re stationed in MO about 10 months ago and I had 2 leave my fam and all and i HATE the place we are at there is nothing to do all we have is a walmart im from San Diego and all so used 2 always having stuff to do
im really missing my family and my mom and one sis came out what the baby was born but my dad and other sis have yet to see the baby and they want me to come out but i cant afford it and i just wanna go home 2 see them and i hate that i cant
my hubby is re enlisting as EOD * the bomb guys* and im really scared. his old job was working with EOD and he will actually b safer this way and we will get more money but he will b "playing" with bombs all day every day and he will b gone for 9 months at school and then back to back deployments for the first 3 years so he will basically b gone tell remmi is about 7 and presley is 5ish. wich i hate hate how sad remmi gets when he leaves for work everday and all and dont wanna see her go thew all that . he missed the first 18 months of her life and i dont want him missing more. plus i am so scared he wont come home and my girls will never know there dad
i hate how i look right now im below pre baby weight but im so unhappy with myself im not were i wanna b i feel disgusting and flabby * i work out ever day* i love my hubby and i love "being" with him but i cant even let him look at me cuz i feel so nasty i cry when he does look at me cuz i cant imagine he could think im beautiful. he tells me how beautiful i am but i dont believe he can really think that. i cant barely look in the mirror cuz i hate myself so much
my hubby just got a 2nd job so we could have money to save for going to CA to visit and all and i appreciate it but i hate that he is gone even more then he has to be. I want something to do for me. my hubby has work, the gym, soft ball, his bike, his other job, fishing/hunting and all his friends from work. i have nothing. i have 2 work out at home cuz i have the girls and i have a few friends but its more cuz our hubbys r friends or our kids are friends.

i dunno i just feel so down right now and i feel like i need a change i tryed 2 get my hair done 2 day but they couldnt get me in i dunno i just need something new and i need 2 stop stressing about the futrue i just hat enot knowing what will happen and everything. blah . i dunno i just needed 2 vent and cry i guess

feel like im losin it

well i have knows we are moving for quite some time but its only 2 week away now. we are leaving everything our daughter and i know, we are going somewhere we dont really know anyone. my hubbys fam is about a hr and a half away but other then that we have nothing.when my huby was offered this job i jumped on the opportunity to have him home for 3 full years! i have never spent more then 6 uninterrupted months with him. out of 3 years we have only spent about 13 or 14 months together. so having him home for 3 years is amazing to me. remmi will finally get to know her daddy and i will get to have the love of my life next to me every night and every morning. i am just getting so stressed and scared and not wanting to leave my family.my little sisters are my best friends my parents helped raise remmi well sam was deployed.i just don't know what i am going to do with out all of them.i am going to leave all my friends and attempt to make new ones which isn't easy for me.shoot i have never lived more then 30 min of were i grew up scene i was 11 how will i know how 2 get to Ross to shop haha.. guess that's what GSPs r for right . haha.i mean sam and i will finally start trying for a second baby when we get all settled in to our NEW 3 bed room 2 1/2 bath house! hah* I'm a lil exited about that * but what will i do with out my mom when i am so sick i cant get out of bed, and i am so emotional and down she would usually take me 2 get new maternity cloths or stuff for the baby but i wont have that . i wont have my friends to go shopping with me. i dunno i am really getting scared and nervous. but i guess this will be a good new start, with sam finally being home *some what for good* and trying 2 have another baby, we can all grow and learn and experience this new place together. i just need to try 2 stay positive...

scared

well for the past year maybe a lil more sense remmi was like 6 weeks old i have been getting these really bad head akes, then more things started happening like i was getting dizzy then i was nauseous all the time then i was always lightheaded and tired all the time and my skin started getting super sensitive like the slightest thing hurt really bad well i keep going 2 the doc and its always something new they always do a preggers test even when hubby was deployed so i knew it wasn't that its been low blood sugar extreme exhaustion vertigo its always something new and none of the meds the give me help. well i am going back 2 the doc yet again. i feel like im there once a week haha and going 2 try 2 find out what it is again. its just scary when my mom was like 28 or something she had a claught in her brain that caused her 2 b paralyzed on one side of her face they thought it was a stroke but it wasn't. and i know nothing about my bio dads side and my gma had brain cancer granted they think it spread from the lung and breast cancer.but its all juts really scaring me, like i am 20 years old and i have had so many medical problems already what is going 2 happen when i am 70. i just feel like its one thing after another and my body is falling apart. i just hate always being scared and being in pain and sick 24 7 its getting so old and exhausting there are days when i cant play with my daughter cuz i am so sick or in so much pain . i hate that . i just want 2 know what is wrong with me and get it fixed...

overwhelmed

wow well i am just so overwhelmed with like fight now .never did i think any of this would b this hard. and its so much all at once. i thought the transition of him coming home would b easy its so hard, trying 2 get used 2 each other and figuring out how 2 shair responsibility how 2 balance money and all this. i have been head of the house for so long now and i have raised remmi my way her whole life and its hard having all this change i have had my way of everything and its all turned upside down now.i love having him home don't get me wrong but its just so hard sometimes. and trying 2 get him used 2 being a dad and not to a new borne to a 1 1/2 year old. trying 2 get 2 re know him and relearn him its all so hard, i feel like he feels that he doest fit in are lives anymore and he is so separated from us so distant its all so hard. i don't know and on top of it all we find out we aer f****d on my truck and in the long run will b better off trading it in or selling it but will b so upside down and all pulse its just one thing after another braking on the damb thing and i really do need a new more power full truck for MO and i need something bigger cuz we will end up having more kids sooner then later and all. and i am so stressed with this move, like i thought i wanted it and i thought it would b easy but i am dreading it . i dont want 2 leave my fam and friends and i don't wanna leave the beach and all. and i dont even know that we will have a house cuz we are 96 on the waiting list and we need a house in 3 months and its just all really stressing me out and on top of it all remmi screams probably 90% of the day and is always crying and screaming and its all just really getting 2 me. i have way 2 much going on and i feel like i have no help or compassion from anyone and i hate it...

gah

ahhh well its been a wile since i blogged. not much going on just still trying 2 get used 2 the transition of having samuel home. things are good but hard at times trying 2 find that balance of the house and all that . trying 2 give him space 2 get used 2 it all and all when all we want 2 do is be with him. its just hard the transition started easier then i thoughts but is starting 2 get hard. its just all about figuring out the balance of were everyone belongs.. gahhh

STAAR

i just wanted 2 let every one know about a non profit organization i stared when i was 16 after my best Friend passed away.her mom and some friends and i keep this going and are making a difference. its called STAAR students taking action against recklessness.ill give you a little background . my best friend Brittany was killed in a car accident when she was 15 just about to turn 16. she didn't have her license or permit she had 1 behind the wheel driving lesson.. she and a nother friend took her moms car at 12 am on April 24 2005 and ended up in 2 different cars. after some joy ridding britt was ready to go home she was going way 2 fats and went to answer her phone well going around a curve and the ground was wet she lost control and hit a light post and was thrown from her car. and killed on impact. her mom found her after the other girl called for help. she was only about 8 miles from her house, she was killed at 230 am on April 24, on April 25 STAAR was borne. i knew i needed to do something to keep everyone else from going threw this pain. i thought of what to call it and what we would b about we have been working hard ever sense. we go to schools, youth groups,churches, were ever kids are we go to help. we are completely nonprofit we do take denotations to help with the phone line and the merchandise we sell. STAAR teaches about all reckless things bullying, drinking and driving, driving recklessly, un protected sex. and so anymore things we just need help from the community to get us out there.

are mission statement

The Mission of the S.T.A.A.R. program is to raise awareness about the consequences children and teens may encounter when making decisions to engage in reckless behavior. We intend to help them to build self-respect, develop personal accountability, and acquire responsible attitudes toward the choices they make.Through media attention, guest speakers, Internet awareness, school-wide assemblies, and school clubs, we intend to offer resources for youth, parents, and adult advisors. The S.T.A.A.R. program will provide them with tools to identify reckless behavior and avoid dangerous situations, while providing skills to implement responsible decision-making.

are web site is STAARprogram.org

another site is brittanys site brittanycurcio.net

Be a voice Make a difference

my babys 15 months but sooo smart

well i thought sense sam is home now it would b a good time 2 update you all in the new things lil miss remmi is doing now. she is defiantly much older then her age haha. although she is still the size of about a 10 month old haha she is are little shrimp! she is just so tinny some stuff she wears is still 3 to 6 month! haha but she sure acts like a 4 year old! she is so advanced it is trippin us all out. as you all know she is running ever were and talking up a storm she says about 40 words now and probably 10 or 15 sentences. she is feeding her self with silver wear and helping dress herself she helps buckle herself in the car seat, she is very good about saying her please and thank yous .she has learned were her nose, eye, mouth, head and toes are and loves to show you were yours are,she loves playing pretend and feeding her baby dolls. even her favorite toy that she calls baby but it reality its a plastic lizard haha, she loves animals and can tell you what a dog is and what it says what a cat is and what it says what a monkey and a bummer are she knows are pet rats names and all grandmas dog names.she is a natural borne gymnast like mommy and a amazing pitcher like daddy. haha she will make anything into a balance beam and will play catch all day. she is just so amazing and blows up away ever day. she is very much in love with her daddy and went right to him when he got home no problems there. she says ewww ever time mommy and daddy kiss haha its so cute. she is just so mature for her age but that's something that comes along with the military and having to grow up a little faster then most. but she is just the most amazing little thing ever.she is about 18 lb and like 27 or 28 inches. haha she loves baby's and playing and will eat almost anything you give her ahaha but she could live off gold fish if i let her.she is obsessed with her "b" her blanky which she named b ever though she can say blanky, her asthma and allergy's are getting better and she will most likely b in glasses in the next few months. we have 2 take her back in in a few weeks and if her eyes arnt better we get glasses. her hearing is so much beter then it used to be. she loves being scared and scaring other people.she has her own sence of style and will pick things for her self and other people at teh store and tell you they are cute. ahah she always has to have a bow in her hair and if i dont put one in she will go get it and tell me bow! hahah well i think thats about the jist of the monkey haha.